You Can’t Move On From The First Wife

You know how most people start dating their future husband and they spend months (or even years) in this euphoric kid-free stage of their life?

They go on all these glorious adventures, or out late for date nights, or living care-free not even knowing that one day they would settle down and marry each other.

Yea. If you’re a stepmom that stage didn’t exist for you.

Don’t get me wrong, Alex and I had amazing moments, but I would say our dating period was far from a honeymoon phase.

When I think back to the beginning of Alex and my’s relationship, I think about all of the adjusting we had to do very quickly.

He had two kids and a very high-conflict ex-wife. We had many nights of tears, some arguments, and a whole lot of Alex saying “Are you sure you wanna do this?”

When people ask me what the hardest part of being a stepmom is, they would probably be surprised to know that, for me, it has absolutely nothing to do with the kids.

I know some stepmoms who really struggle to bond with their stepchildren, but that wasn’t me. I bonded instantly with my boys. I have loved them as my own since the first night I came over and snuggled up watching Coco with them.

The most difficult thing about being a stepmom is being the second wife.

I hated being a second wife.

I never felt like anything was mine — including Alex.

The boys’ mother would make it very clear that she was the mother and that her, Alex, and the boys would always be a family.

Now, let me pause to say that I was also married before. Alex is technically a second husband, too. BUT, it’s different. I had no kids from my previous marriage and so all ties to that relationship were cut off as soon as the divorce was finalized.

I have to hear about Alex’s ex EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

I live in the same home she used to live in, raising the same kids she used to raise, sleeping next to the same man she used to sleep next to.

This caused some serious insecurities.

I didn’t even like going to places I knew they used to go to because I would just get so angry on the inside.

Can you imagine going on a date to the movies and you sit down and your brain goes “Dang. He used to take her here”. And then BOOM. Your entire mood for the evening is changed and you’re both miserable.

But, you don’t tell him why you’re upset because it just sounds so stupid!

I promise you, it’s not. I’ve been there. And it sucks. But, you’ve got to get through it somehow.

There really isn’t an option to “move on.” She is always going to be involved in your life in some way and trying to get rid of her isn’t going to work.

Your stepkids should feel open to talking about their mother in your home, and you should be able to hear her name without feeling nauseous.

So, no, I don’t think I ever moved on and got over the fact Alex was married before.

But, I did move forward.

I have grown to understand that even though he might have taken us both to the movies, the experience he is having with me at the movies is not the same experience he had with her.

That his love for me is not the same love he had for her.

Our relationship is NOT the same as his and her relationship.

It took me TWO YEARS to even slightly feel this way. And I would be completely lying to you if I said these insecurities were completely gone.

I still struggle.

It helps to know that whether he was married before or not, I am his first choice, he just happened to find me second. 🤷🏼‍♀️