Why We Don’t “Put The Kids First”

“When you’re a good parent, your children always come first.”

I know we have all heard this before, but you know who hears it the most? Stepmoms.

From the beginning, stepmoms are told that we have to be okay with being put second because there are kids in the picture. Your man’s kids are his priority, and if you aren’t okay with that, well, you’re not meant to date someone with children.

I could not disagree more.

I remember when I first started dating Alex I would find myself feeling jealous of the attention the boys would get from him. At the time, we only saw them on the weekends and the boys would be glued to his side from the second they walked in the door. Alex and I were trying to build this new relationship, but I felt like a third wheel every time the kids were around.

I wanted to know how I was going to fit into this family that he already had. It didn’t feel like we were building a family together, it felt like I was jumping into one he had already built with somebody else.

That’s a really hard thing to feel.

Want to know a secret? YOUR MAN HAS NO IDEA YOU’RE FEELING THIS WAY.

He has absolutely no idea what it is like to be a stepmom, and he never will. All he knows is what you tell him, so tell him everything.

I can’t pinpoint the exact day where I stopped feeling like this, but the only reason I ever did is because I sat down and talked about it with Alex.

Let me be clear. I was not in any way asking Alex to not spend time with his kids.

Alex and I were learning how to build a blended family together. He had no idea how, and neither did I. I would never have guessed I would be jealous of my boyfriend’s kids. It sounds ridiculous even just writing it down.

That’s what being a stepparent does to you. You feel emotions and fears you didn’t even know you could feel. Somehow, you and your man are going to have to navigate and determine how to handle these unfamiliar emotions.

The solution for us was to be very honest with the kids. The kids knew from very early on how important Alex and I were to each other and that neither of us were going anywhere. He showed them exactly how I was to be treated and made sure I was included in everything.

Was it easy? No.

I remember the boys asking me every time I left the house “Where are you going?”, “Are you coming back?”, “Will you be here when I wake up?” They had experienced firsthand someone walking out that door and their whole world changing. Gaining their trust was hard and it took time.

Believe it or not, putting each other first actually proved to be what’s best for our kids. There is a quote that has stuck with me throughout this stepmom journey:

“Your stepchildren already have a great example of a failed relationship – they were created by one. Now, they are desperately counting on you to show them how to do it right.“

Kait

The boys have seen first hand what a terrible marriage looks like. I never want them to think all relationships are doomed to be that way. I want them to know what love looks like. I want them to choose their wife every day and always make her their priority –just like Alex has done for me.

So, let the kids see you kiss their dad. Hold his hand on the couch during family movie night. Kiss him as soon as he walks in the door every day. Grab a babysitter and let them see you date each other throughout your entire marriage.

Let them see you choose each other.

I promise they will still think you’re the best stepmom in the world. 🙂