Today I Cried Over A PB&J Sandwich

Ever have those days where you feel like you are completely failing as a stepmom?

I have laundry that’s been sitting in baskets for days, dishes piling up in my sink, and floors that desperately need to be vacuumed.

I have two kids who have been grounded for over a week, who have decided they are now old enough to not follow any of our house rules, and who I spend half the day correcting because we just can’t seem to get our attitude together.

Yes, it’s been a circus in this house lately.

Especially yesterday.

After a full-day of not listening, having to march kids out of a public pool screaming, and several pages of sentence writing, I was DONE.

Alex and I ended up sitting on the couch together talking with tears in our eyes as I told him “I am just not enjoying raising these kids lately.”

I love my children, and I wouldn’t trade having them with me for anything, but I was just drained.

Today wasn’t any better. I had to pull kids out of swim team for not listening, I had a kid in time out before we even had breakfast, and as the morning went on it just got worse and worse.

I was so exhausted I cried making a PB&J sandwich.

It can be so emotionally draining having to constantly be with kids that don’t listen to you.

I sometimes find myself wondering what it would be like to raise kids from the beginning.

A mom, a dad, and two kids. Kids who were happy. Kids who had no extra stress in their life causing them to act out like this.

I wish I raised my boys from the beginning. I wish none of us had to go through this phase where we just can’t seem to get through a day where everybody is happy.

It feels like I am failing them.

They don’t want to spend their days being in timeout, or writing sentences, or stuck playing in their room.

They know how to listen, so why aren’t they?

What do they need that I am not giving them?

My kids aren’t old enough to tell me what it is that they need. They don’t know. But I am their stepmother. Shouldn’t I know what they need? Isn’t there some kind of maternal instinct that should’ve kicked in and let me help them?

I don’t want to keep going through our days like this. We all need things to change and get better.

Alex and I are really working on it.

All of the boys’ doctors just constantly remind us it takes time.

So here I am, waiting for it to be time. Time for our kids to understand their new normal. Time for everyone to be happy.

I don’t know when everything will settle down and get better, or even if it will.

All I know is that whether it does or doesn’t, I am going to be here. Because even on the worst days, this is still the family I have always dreamed of having.