Things You Should Stop Saying To Stepmoms

People have said some really ridiculous things to me as a stepmom.

It’s not even always people I know. Sometimes I will have a complete stranger come up to me at school pick-up, or the grocery store, just to talk to me about being a stepmom.

(Our kids calling me “Suzanne” is usually a dead giveaway for strangers that I am not the bio mom.)

I am an open book. I love sharing my journey as a stepmom with others — which is why I write this blog in the first place. I will talk anyone’s ear off about the struggles we have had, the good times we have had, and everything in between.

But there are some things I really wish people would stop telling stepmoms.

“I could never be a stepmom”

When I look back at journals I kept as a little girl, nowhere does it say “I can’t wait to grow up and be a stepmom”. I didn’t wish for this. I am a woman who just happened to fall in love with a man with kids. How do you know you couldn’t be a stepmom? You don’t know what you’re capable of until you’re faced with it head on.

Also, this makes it sound like being a stepmom is a negative thing. Like this job comes with so much stress and hardship that it’s not worth it. Trust me, it’s worth it. Is it always easy? No. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of love — just like it would if I was a biomom.

“Do you get along with their mother?”, “You must hate hearing about their mother all the time”, “How is it living in her house?”

I will tell you what, I hear more about the boys’ mother from strangers and friends than I ever have within the walls of my own home. I know all these questions are just out of curiosity, but man it would be nice to go at least one day without being reminded that we aren’t just a “normal” family.

“You’re not the real mom”

I hate this term. Did I grow these children in my stomach for nine months? Did I breastfeed them while they were babies? No. But I am a real mom. I raise these kids seven days a week, 24 hours a day. I clothe them, feed them, teach them, and love them as if they had grown inside of me. I am not the biological mother, but I am a “real” mom.

“You’re lucky you get to send your kids away every other weekend”

I know what people mean by this. They would love the opportunity to have a break from their children and some alone time with their spouse. It all sounds wonderful until you’re forced to send your kids away. You aren’t given the choice to keep them if there is a big event happening on their mother’s weekend. You can’t just make plans with other families because you have to “check to see if you have your kids first.”

I hate sending my kids away.

I know there are some step parents whose kids have two amazingly capable bio parents, but in our situation that is not the case. I want to know what they’re doing, who they are with, are they getting bathed, are they getting fed? I worry every time I send them away and I would give anything to have them with Alex and I 24/7.

I know most of these comments are innocent and very easy to brush off, but there is one thing I just can’t hear without cringing.

“You’ll understand when you have your own children”

I cannot even tell you how many times I have heard this.

I have heard it from family, the boys’ mother, friends, everyone.

I have even heard it from Alex.

It was a long time ago, when we first started dating. We were talking about disciplining the kids and how I felt he was being a little too relaxed with them.

He looked at me and said “You’ll feel differently when you have your own children”.

Ummm…what?

I didn’t tell him how much it bothered me at the time because our relationship was still so new. It felt like another way of saying “these kids aren’t yours.”

I haven’t had my own biological children. I don’t know what it’s like to feel my son’s kick in my belly, or hear their heartbeat for the first time.

At the same time, most of those telling me this don’t have stepchildren. They can’t possibly understand the love I have for my two boys, same as I can’t understand the love they have for their children.

All I know is these two boys are mine. I knew they were going to be my children from the first time I met them. So while you were lucky enough to have that immediate connection with your child from the time they were in the womb, mine came a little bit later.

It is no less significant.

I am not going to tell you your love for your next child is going to be greater than your love for your first child.

Don’t tell me mine will be.