Stepmoms: Stop Taking A Back Seat

One of the biggest challenges I had to face as a new stepmom was that I did not agree with the way my stepkids were being raised.

Rules were slim or nonexistent, chores were unheard of, and everything at home was just a little chaotic.

At first I wasn’t sure what to do about it.

How do you tell this man you’re just barely dating that you don’t agree with how he is raising his kids? Talk about a touchy subject.

I was stuck in a position of trying to build a relationship with Alex, build relationships with the boys, and figure out my place in this already-made family all at the same time.

This didn’t leave much room to start inserting all my opinions on how his kids were being raised in his home.

But, I also couldn’t just do nothing.

I was going to be moving into this house, I was going to be the main caregiver for these kids during the day, and I was going to one day bring more kids into this family.

So I needed things to change.

Alex has told me from day one that he wants us to be partners when raising the kids and he didn’t want me to sit on the sidelines.

Even though I knew he felt this way, the first couple months of us dating I did stay on the sidelines. I wanted the kids to like me, not just be spewing orders at them all day.

We quickly got to the point where we knew I was going to be another one of these boy’s parents. Alex had a conversation with me where he told me that it was time for me to transition into the role of parent first, friend second.

I am a strict parent, which is much different than the boys’ mother or Alex.

This made the first several months ROUGH.

I heard “you’re not my parent”, “mom said I don’t have to listen to you”, and “this is dad’s house”, more times than I can even count.

The boys definitely tested their limits with the new rules and consequences and tried to figure out exactly what they could get away with when they were with me.

They had such a hard time going from a house with no rules to a house with a ton of rules. At the time we only had the kids on the weekends, we would spend Friday night and Saturday trying to get them back into the swing of how things work at our house, just for them to be sent back Sunday night to a house that was completely different.

It was tough, but ya know what? We didn’t stop enforcing these new rules.

Our kids needed consistency. They had been bounced back and forth in the midst of several custody hearings, our oldest had been in three different schools in Kindergarten alone, and they never even knew what house they were sleeping at every night.

I am so fortunate because Alex supported me in every way. He helped me enforce new rules, backed me up on consequences, and even stepped up and started discipling the kids on his own, too.

A common problem when two people are going through a divorce with children involved is that they each want to be the “fun” parent. They want their kids to want to be at their house.

This can lead to kids getting used to always doing “fun” things and never really being told no.

This is a tough habit to break.

Heck, we are still trying to break this habit with our kids.

We have been raising these kids together for almost two years, and while they still don’t act great all the time (I don’t think anyone’s kids do), we have seen SO MUCH change in their behavior.

I have read and heard so many other people’s opinions about stepmoms and thinking they should take a back seat when it comes to disciplining the kids. “Leave it to the mom and dad”, “Don’t overstep”, “They aren’t your children”.

Frankly, I think that’s crap.

You are going to be living with these kids until they’re at least eighteen. You are going to have a major role in their life and you deserve to have a say in how they are brought up.

Alex and I don’t agree on everything. We have had many conversations over the different ways we discipline the kids. But, no matter what, we always support each other. We don’t undermine each other in front of the kids, and if he has a concern with something I have said, or vice versa, we talk about it.

I tell you what, you aren’t going to make it through this stepmom thing if you and your man can’t communicate. It’ll be nearly impossible. You NEED each other.

So stop taking a back seat. Stand by your man and raise those kids together.