Somedays I Wish We Weren’t A Blended Family

I know what you’re thinking: “Did she really just say she doesn’t want to be a part of her family?”

Of course not.

The other day I was at the doctors office with our oldest son when his doctor starts asking me all these questions about why we were there. The questions started off pretty easy: “What brings you here today?”, “How has he been doing lately?”, “What are his behaviors like at home?”, “What are his behaviors like at school?”, etc.

Then he asked me a question I didn’t know the answer to:

“What was he like as a baby?”

I froze.

There have been several times throughout my journey as a stepmom where I have been reminded that I am not “mom.”

I have no idea what he was like as a baby. Did he walk on time? Did he eat right? How heavy was he when he was born? All questions the doctor is now asking me and I have no idea the answer to them.

It hurt me to have to say “I don’t know.”

It is not the first time this has happened. I oftentimes find it hard to look at baby pictures of the boys without getting emotional. It’s heartbreaking to know that for these crucial years of their lives, I wasn’t there.

I will never see their first steps, or hear their first words. I don’t know if they slept thru the night or went through the terrible twos.

Of course I could always ask their dad, but that’s different than experiencing it with them.

The truth is, there are many days I am jealous those kids are hers, and not mine.

Somedays, I just wish things were different.

Somedays, I don’ t want to be a blended family.

Somedays I wish we were just a normal family.

Ya know? Just two kids, a mom, and a dad. No stepmoms, no co-parenting, just normal.

I wish our kids never had to go away. I wish we had every Christmas and Thanksgiving together. I wish we could plan vacations every Spring Break. I wish I was in the boy’s lives from the start.

I don’t feel this way all the time, but when I do it can be hard to change my way of thinking.

Emotions of a stepmom can be really hard to navigate.

What helps me snap back is learning to appreciate those moments I have alone with Alex. Yes, I have to send the boys away for a weekend. I could either dwell on that, or spend those three days reconnecting with the man I hardly see throughout the week.

Raising a blended family means there are going to be times when you have to find a positive in a whole world of negative.

I may have missed out on the early couple years, but I now get to spend the rest of my life raising and loving them.

I am gaining so much more than I missed out on.

And that’s pretty special. <3