A Step Child’s Perspective
This morning Alex was asking me what I thought my next blog post was going to be.
I started to think about all of my previous posts and how the majority of them have been about how I feel raising a blended family, and not as much about how my step kids feel growing up in a blended family.
My kids know that I keep a blog. They love seeing all the pictures of them on it. I thought it would be awesome if, for today, they got to take a part in actually writing my post.
Alex and I sat down and wrote up a list of questions that we thought would give you guys a good perspective into how a child feels growing up in a blended family.
Some questions I only asked our oldest, because our youngest doesn’t quite understand how to express his feelings the way our oldest does. ‘J’ will stand for our seven year old’s answers, and ‘A’ for our 5 year old’s answers.
Instead of trying to summarize how they feel, or change their answers to be grammatically correct, I am just going to post their answers verbatim to give you their feelings in the realest way I can.
What is a stepmom?
J: A mom that, like, is your other mom.
A: A mom. They take care of people.
What is a biological mom?
J: A mom who gave birth — she grew you in her belly.
What’s the difference between a mom and a stepmom?
J: If someone got married, and then got unmarried, and then got married again that’s a stepmom. Your mom they take care of you and grew you in their stomach. Your stepmom takes care of you and does fun things with you, they’re like friends and family at the same time.
What’s your favorite thing about Daddy and me together?
J: That you and daddy take care of us and take us to fun places.
A: You take us to fun places. And now we have a new family (their Aunts and Uncles) and get to go play at their houses when you go on a date.
What don’t you like about daddy and me together?
J: *laughs* I don’t know. I like everything.
For any who are wondering, no this was not always the case. I got a bajillion million times the “I wish dad was still married to mom”, “You are taking up mom’s closet”, and everything in between. It just goes to show how far you can come in your relationship with your stepkids if you really want to.
How do you feel when mom, dad, and Suzanne are all at the same place?
J: It kind of makes me happy, and kind of makes me not. It’s because I don’t like my mom lying to us, but I like seeing her sometimes. Sometimes I don’t care if she’s there and sometimes I do. Sometimes I do care because I don’t like her lying to you and daddy.
Our oldest has caught his mom in a lot of lies recently, and is just trying to process them. We have noticed he gets very anxious and worried when he knows we are all going to be in the same place (like doctors appointments, or soccer games). He will ask us questions like: “are you guys going to be nice this time?” It’s crazy how much young kids can pick up on. Just know, they are always listening and watching your interactions with the other parent, so just be mindful of that.
Do you think mom and dad get along?
J: No.
Why?
Because mommy says that “I need dad’s money”, and “I want the kids forever”, and she yells at daddy and lies about daddy to her friends saying “daddy lies to me”, “daddy hurts me.”
How do you know she does this?
Because she tells us! She says “Daddy and Suzanne are mean to us.”
How does that make you feel?
I really used to think that stuff was true and I wish I didn’t know it.
A: No.
Why?
Because they’re not nice. Sometimes I know they’re not nice because remember at Soccer? (Boys’ mother called the cops on us at our kids soccer game once). And pretty much all the time and sometimes I hear them on the phone.
UGH. My poor heart. I hate hearing this stuff. KEEP YOUR KIDS OUT OF YOUR ARGUMENTS. They love BOTH their parents, whether you think they should or not. If you’re not going to get along, for god’s sake don’t let your kids see or hear it. 🙄
Who are your parents?
A: You and Daddy. And Jax is part of our family
Do all your parents love you?
J: Yes.
A: Yes. But mommy doesn’t want to do everything she just wants to go to fun places with us. She doesn’t want us to be at yours and daddy’s house.
Thank goodness they know we all love them ❤️
What do you like about having a stepmom?
J: That they are so nice and they do fun stuff and I like having a stepmom because I like having two moms.
A: I like she can make homemade stuff. And they play.
What do you not like about having a stepmom?
J: It used to be hard. It was hard that you were not our stepmom back then because I didn’t like you just being daddy’s friend. I just really wanted to have a stepmom and dad didn’t tell me you were boyfriend and girlfriend. I didn’t even know stepmoms were real back then, but I know what they are now. They are like your second mom but mommy always tells me “You are not my stepmom. I don’t have to listen to you” and that’s hard.
A: I like everything.
Jackson and my relationship has been rocky at times. We have had SEVERAL battles over him having to listen to me. If you’re a bio mom/stepmom, please don’t tell your kids not to listen to their other parents. Everyone put your feelings aside and do what’s best for the kids.
How do you feel about mom and dad not being married anymore?
J: I don’t care. It doesn’t bother me. I am fine with it. It used to bother me a long time ago. She came to pick me up in preschool, I was in the middle of taking my rest, and she said “we are going to move to nana’s.” And then, if you had lived here you would have nothing here. She took everything. All of the toys, she took everything in the house.But she tells me daddy took all of the stuff but that’s not true, I remember. She took some of daddy’s stuff too. At first I thought we were going to go back to daddy’s, but then we didn’t. We just stayed at nana’s and didn’t go back (Jax tears up). It was sad.
A: I don’t really like that because I want her to be at yours and dad’s house. I want you all to live at the same house.
*UGLY CRYING FACE* 😭😭😭😭
How do you feel about daddy and I having a wedding?
J: Good. I am excited. My favorite thing is that then you’re my stepmom. Well you’re my stepmom now, but then you’re my stepmom again.
A: I am happy you’re going to get married. I like it. Do you like it?
As all of you know the legal system can be SLOW. Alex and his ex-wife aren’t legally divorced yet, despite several years of being separated. Thus, Alex and I aren’t legally married yet.
What do you wish Dad did differently?
J: I would say not fart but I don’t think that’s what I am supposed to say. I would say that everyday when we have good days he should be SO happy but he’s not that happy, he’s still happy though, but I wish he was happier.
What do you wish I did differently?
J: I wish that you would and daddy would be married already. You could have been married back then. It shouldn’t take this long.
You are preaching to the converted there, baby.
How did you feel when dad and mom stopped living together?
J: I wish that I could see Sharpie (his cat). I missed seeing my stuff at daddy’s house. I didn’t like losing my stuff. Sharpie was mine, nobody else’s and she was taken from me.
What’s the best thing about being a part of our family?
J: I like having a stepmom so much. Now I don’t have to be so sad because I have another mom.
A: Going to Funland — you know that.
How do you feel about Dad and Suzanne having more children?
J: Honestly, good. But sometimes I don’t like babies because I don’t want to share my stuff because it will get ruined but I will share sometimes. I really want a sister, but if it’s a boy I won’t care.
A: I like it because then more kids can play with us, and they could play outside, and they could jump on the trampoline and play tag and freeze tag. They could play everything like that.
How are you going to feel when you visit mom but the new baby stays with me and dad?
J: Why won’t it visit mom? I will be very sad because I don’t like leaving my brothers and sisters.
I tried to explain to him why the new babies won’t go to his mom’s house, but he just couldn’t understand that. He kept saying “won’t they want to see my mom too?”, “Why do they get to stay with you alone?” I think it will be really hard for him to have to leave his siblings behind. I am hoping as he gets older he will better understand.
How do you feel when other people call me your mom?
J: I don’t really like it because it’s kind of weird. They don’t understand and then I have to tell them you’re my stepmom and I wish they would just mind their business. I like when they call you Suzanne, too. I can call you mom but not other people.
A: Well, you’re my stepmom. It doesn’t bother me. I didn’t want to tell them, but I would just tell them that’s my stepmom if they said it two times.
What’s your earliest memory of me?
J: Me snuggling with you while we were watching Coco.
A: I remember you always. I remember when you walked to the door when I was 3.
These were both memories from the very first time I met the kids! So sweet they remember this ❤️
What do you not like about me?
J: *laughs* I don’t like that you sleep in daddy’s room because I want you to sleep in my room.
What’s the difference between me and your mom?
J: Umm…that you didn’t give me birth but you’re still my mom, and mommy did give me birth. And mommy lets us play electronics and stay home all day and you don’t let us play electronics.
😬I am a mean mom. I hate electronics.
What’s the difference between our house and mom’s house?
A: Mommy can’t come to our house.
What do you wish you could change about all your parents?
J: I wish I could change that you all would be so good and so nice and make us be the right children, and good and stuff.
Kids can be so much smarter than us sometimes. Literally all he wants is for us to get along. So sweet, but so sad at the same time.
Do you like having three parents?
J: Yes. I like that I can have a stepmom and staying with you and daddy.
A: I really like having two parents. You and Daddy.
What would you say to your friend if he was about to have a stepmom?
J: I would tell them to always love your stepmom, and be kind to her, and that’s good you have a stepmom. I would tell him that it’s okay to have separate families, that’s what I have and stuff. I would tell him it’s okay because I know it’s kind of sad but my life is like that too and it’s kind of hard but stepmoms are fun.
Oh my gosh. Do I have the sweetest son or what? I just love his heart.
What kind of things make you angry?
J: I don’t care, it’s just hard not to see my cousins, aunts, and uncles from mom’s family when I am at this family.
A: Not all things. I am always happy.
What do you wish you could fix?
J: I wish that A (his brother) would understand that it’s okay for you to not see mommy right now and that it’s bad for his brain to use electronics all day.
Right now, our kids don’t see their mother. I’ll share that story another time.
What do you wish I understood better about you?
J: That like I hope you like understand you’re our real mom and are going to get married soon and you’ll always be our stepmom. And you love us a lot and we love you too.
How is this kid only SEVEN?! He talks like a grown up sometimes. This is just what I needed to hear.
I ended our interview asking them if they had any questions for me. Their questions were so good that I want to save them for a separate post later, so look forward to that 😉
Kids who have gone through divorce are dealing with a lot. They have so many feelings and they really do love talking to you about them. So sit down and ask them how they’re doing. Their answers may surprise you!
I know some of my kids’ did.
