3 Big Things to Discuss Before Getting Serious

So…you’re dating a man with children. Maybe you two have been dating for years, maybe just a few months, or maybe you have just casually started hanging out. Regardless of how long you’ve been together, you two now have some very important things to discuss.

When you’re dating someone with children, the relationship is not just between you and your boyfriend. You have to figure out how to navigate a new relationship not only with him, but also with his children, and (least favorite) with the children’s mother.

THIS IS TOUGH. There is no rulebook.

When Alex and I first began dating we sat down and discussed three important things that have helped our relationship time and time again. If you are contemplating getting serious with a man with children, think first about these three questions:

1. What is YOUR relationship with the children going to look like?

When you’re a woman coming into your boyfriend’s kids’ lives, it can be difficult to know exactly what your place is when it comes to raising them. Do you discipline them? What do they call you? Who will be the main caregiver when they are at your house?

These might seem like awkward questions to ask your new boyfriend, but I promise you it is better to just be open about what you want your role to be and for him to express what he feels your role should be.

Alex’s kids were only 3 and 5 when I met them. We only had the kids every weekend but were in the process of a very heated custody battle that we were fairly confident we would win.

We decided quickly how I would fit into the boys’ lives. Alex and I were going into this as a team. I would have full authority to discipline the children and he would back me up 100%. I am the main caregiver and Alex is the main provider. Personally, this is what I needed. It would have been hard for me to be a part of the boys’ lives if I had no say in how they were being raised.

As far as what the kids should call you, that comes pretty naturally. The boys call me Suzanne. There are several times a day when they call me mom but I draw no unnecessary attention to it. I respond just as I would if they called me Suzanne. I never encourage or discourage them from calling me either name and this has worked great for all of us. 🙂

Maybe you are more comfortable taking a back seat and letting the bio mom and dad do the raising. Everyone is different and what works for me might not work for you. Decide together and move forward with what is best for your family.

2. What is YOUR relationship with the children’s mother going to look like?

I have heard several wonderful stories of mothers and stepmothers building friendships and respecting each other enough to both love and do what is best for the children.

Dang. That would be nice.

However, in our blended family, that was not the case. The boys’ mother and I have had a pretty rocky relationship from the start.

When Alex and I first talked about this we decided it would be best we wait a while until I met the boys’ mother. They were still married at the time (even though separated for years) and I was just viewed as some “mistress destroying her family.” Well, when the time came it went terribly. I wish I had some wonderful advice to give you to make it easier, but I don’t.

If you and the bio mom can be friends — great. If you can’t, my advice is to avoid contact as much as possible and leave that between your man and her.

3. What is HIS relationship with the children’s mother going to look like?

I am not going to sugar coat it. Having another woman in your man’s life SUCKS. No matter what you do, she is always going to be there.

Let’s be real. All woman can be insecure at times and I am no exception. Having some woman, especially a woman your man used to be married to, constantly blowing up his phone is intimidating. SET SOME BOUNDARIES.

Alex and I decided that his communication with the boys’ mother would only be during reasonable hours (like 9am-5pm) and not interfere with our life as a family while we were at home. This is something that saved my sanity. So much of our early relationship was spent focusing on her and what she was saying to him and we were getting worn out quick. We would have never survived that.

Did she keep trying to communicate? Yes. All the freaking time. But girl, you have got to figure out how to ignore her and not get wrapped up in the arguing and drama of it all. Keep the communication with her strictly about the kids. (I am still working on this).

Alex and I aren’t perfect. We still struggle with navigating the ins and outs of a blended family. What we do know for sure is that through all of this we are a team. I never have to wonder who he makes his priority. The kids and I will always come first.

If you haven’t already, go find your man, pour some wine, and answer these questions together. I promise it will help decide if becoming a stepmom is right for you.

And if you choose to move forward and become serious, you are amazing. Being a stepmom is the hardest job in the world, but let me tell you it is also the most rewarding.

I mean, just look at the cute boys I get to call mine forever. 🙂